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Change has always been fearful to me. I do have this strong attachment to the past. I don’t want to dwell in the past anymore. I want things to look forward to but I have to make it happen for myself. Less talk, less thought, more action.
I would want to live my life outside of the city. It’s because it feels much more distant and secluded rather than being closer to a higher chance of crime involvement. Living outside the city for sure.
Idk why Austin feels ideally the right place right now. It’s probably because of Brandon. But I like Houston too.
America needs to chill about Colin Kaepernick. He’s taking a stand against the racism that we’ve been seeing a lot of that’s coming out of the wood works.
The biggest issue with the backlash that I’ve been seeing is that people are saying to Kaepernick: “get the fuck out then”.
Do people not realize how ignorant they sound when they say that?! You’re valuing nationalism over the percentage of people of color who feel oppressed in this country. These ridiculous comments are further proving to other nations that engaging in a national anthem is far more shocking than oppressing people of color.
"It’s a very strange sort of loving God who would make salvation depend on believing in him on bad evidence"
Sam Harris
Helping my best friend move to austin tomorrow and then I’m hanging with him for the rest of the day while I’m there. I’m really sad and emotional about him moving considering how close I feel we have gotten lately. He’s such a great friend and an amazing role model in my eyes. These past couple of days are opening my eyes more and more towards the idea of moving out. It’s scary, but I had a great talk with my best friend and it gave me confidence that I’m closer than I think when it comes to living on my own. I have this feeling in me that I’m being pushed towards growing up, living on my own, and making decisions completely for myself. I am trying to be mindful and aware of my feelings in hope that it will lead my to my next goal. I’m trying to make sense of all this confusion that’s coming my way from this entire experience of the last person I am close with moving away from my life.
I could definitely say that this move is causing me to feel extremely lonely to the point where I have to get off my ass every day in order to survive. I feel like those days are ahead of me.
I’ve been up thinking about what my life will be like in the next few years. To tell the truth, I’m scared. I’m scared that this school is not where I will want to be. I’m worried that this school will be hard to socialize with. And I believe this roots back to my insecurity on communicating with new people. How do I build a friendship with someone? How do I build a relationship with a young lady I’m interested in? It’s so weird because whenever I dwell on communication leading to an end goal and/or label (best friend/girlfriend), that’s when I fail the most. Now that I’m writing, I can feel my mind opening up and I’m getting a clearer picture now. This is why I love writing. I would love to become a writer but I don’t know what to write about *to be continued*
Now as I’m writing, I can remember now. I have an alter ego. Throughout my teen years I have been trying to tap into this alter ego. This alter ego comes out when I’m confident. I don’t ever ever ever voluntarily tap into this ego. I have never been successful that way. My alter ego comes out to play on its own. I realize it when I recognize something in my actions is different and suave like. I become very cool and witty. It is like I’m playing a character I have created in my head since I was 5 years old. This character has been molded through TV, magazines, and personal experience through other successful people over the years. This alter ego I play doesn’t have doubt.
As I’m writing this blog post, I’m realizing what I need to do to gain full control and ultimately become my alter ego. Or at least I believe I know what I need to do.
My dream is to attend a school where it is easy to meet people and make friends. I dream of making friends who love to gain new perspective and intelligence. I want to gain intellect through others and I wish to provide them with something valuable in return. I fear that I am headed towards lonely college years where all the people I wish I will meet will actually be ghosts that live inside my head.
This fall at school is anxiously being awaited.
1. Search for new ways to become a person who draws interest towards them.
In the mean time, continue to read books that will incline me to reach this goal.
I will never give up and I will always be searching for enlightenment.
I fear I will never find a beautiful woman that is genuinely interested in me. Sexuality continues to puzzle me as I am seeing something in men and women that I have never seen before.
I’m going to wake up tomorrow and let my alter ego take over me. And the first thing my alter ego will do, is shave off this hair.